I have always been academically-inclined. I find self-discipline comes to me quite easily, I’m not too bad at memorization, and I’m quiet yet engaged in class. Fortunately, my style of learning aligns with the typical school system in Canada. I’ve had family that has always supported whatever kind of studies I chose to pursue. I’ve never had any serious mental health challenges or financial burdens and I’m able-bodied. I am a perfectionist in almost all aspects of my life and deal with a good dose of imposter syndrome just like any other young adult.
By mid-August, I always start yearning for the school year to start.
This month is the first time I won’t be returning to school in as long as I can remember.
And it’s freaking me out.
I am a helpless identifier: student (of English lit. and of yoga), intersectional feminist, writer, twin, friend, and INFJ (that one has an absolute chokehold on me). The parts of myself and the periods of my life that can’t be clearly articulated makes me feel anxious. I also like to work on self-awareness—a pursuit which can be both nightmarish and never-ending…
Even now I’m thinking, Is this paragraph a comprehensive representation of what I want to convey? Etc, etc, etc…
After considering doing a PhD and happily rejecting that pathway (at least for now), I’m sort of amazed at how much less scared I am now vs. when I was just starting my M.A.. As I geared up to begin that 1 year program I was already thinking about what I would do after (where I would live, who I would be, who I might be with, whether I would be in school or starting a career)…and now it feels like everything has steadied.
I blame a bunch of things. I blame luck, myself, a great partner, fate, and manifestation. I blame letting go of the effort to know and embracing the possibilities that come with never-quite-knowing. I read somewhere that your future self will always take care of whatever decisions have to be made then. Its great advice, albeit a bit difficult to appreciate when you have no clue what your life will look like in a few weeks/months/years.
I thought I would miss elementary when I went to high school, high school when I went to university. But each stage of my life turns out to be more fascinating than the last. Why would transitioning out of school be any different?
Despite the stability I’m approaching September with, I’m still scared, and I think that’s okay. It’s a big change to not have that one overarching “goal” of school. Who will I be accountable to? Myself?!
Back to school was always a new first-day outfit, a new pencil case, a new crush, a new year of new things, new things, new things, set against the backdrop of familiar academic pursuits. What am I this year though? This scares me because I’ve realized I will not be renewed within the old comfort of academia. And who am I if I’m not able to gently “start over” within the parameters that make me feel safe and successful?
I guess I’ll find out.
It’s made me excited to experience this reversal, to take the “old” me (that is, the confidence I’ve built and the skills I’ve learned and the experiences I’ve had) into this new (non-academic) area of life that I’ve never had to experience myself within.
I’ve continued to mull this over, to let it simmer and cool and I’ve come to this:
Every September,
Every year,
Every month,
is new.
We’re all new. We’re always students.
Hopelessly, helplessly, happily, NEW.
How exciting is that?
emily coppella 