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I watched season 1 of The Ultimatum when it premiered on Netflix in 2022. In 2023, I watched The Ultimatum: Queer Love. During most of the episodes (in both seasons) I felt a little sick to my stomach.
I like a bit of trashy reality tv: Love is Blind, The Perfect Match. I freely admit that I enjoy watching people flirt, miscommunicate, and yes — even argue. It’s terrible. These shows exploit emotions while making sure viewers never get the whole story — I think that’s exactly why I keep watching them. I like to unpack emotions and unpack stories. Maybe reality tv watchers want to resolve the unresolvable. All of these thoughts go alongside the fact that it’s all edited to specific music, scenes cut in strategic places, and people prompted with particular interview questions.
But there’s something about The Ultimatum that makes me want to stop watching altogether. It’s a feeling I haven’t had with other reality shows before. I had vowed to not watch future seasons after the initial Ultimatum release but was pulled into the Queer Love edition while it was playing in the background at a family member’s house.
If you’re unfamiliar with the show, here’s a quick recap. Subtitled, “Marry or Move On”, producers claim it as a “social experiment” that features couples on the edge of marriage. One partner wants it, and the other is unsure, for any myriad of reasons. Maybe they disagree on the concept of marriage, or they feel financially unstable, or they have commitment issues, etc., etc., etc. So, the pairs have 8 weeks to get engaged or break up. During the 8 weeks, the couples choose new partners from the other pairs and embark on a “trial marriage” (whatever the fuck that means, by the show’s definition, it means living together, talking to cameras, and maybe having sex) to explore how they feel about the person they came with.
Clearly, stuff goes down. Sometimes the person who issued the ultimatum actually ends up leaving with someone else. But that’s the risk these couples are apparently willing to take.
I couldn’t watch most of The Ultimatum the second time around. Here’s me trying to wrap my head around why.
The Premise
I think it all starts with the premise: an ultimatum. The Oxford Dictionary defines “ultimatum” as “a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations.”
To me, this is a threat. But this makes me sound harsh because I do not think the person who initiated the ultimatum is entirely to blame. I feel bad for them. I feel like they’ve been really hurt by their partner and how they aren’t showing up for them. I feel like they have an idea of boundaries and desires, but they do not have enough self-trust to uphold those boundaries and desires for themselves. After all, if your boundary is passed and you accept that, it is no longer your boundary.
I blame both people for being in a relationship that is clearly not working. But I guess they have hope, they think love is enough — and I do applaud them in this sole sentiment. I am a hopeless romantic too.
But this “ultimatum” is more than just a last resort, it’s a test. And that makes me feel terrible. In my opinion, if you have to test your partner, you should not be together. But these couples signed up for it, so all the power to them.
The Past We Don’t Get To See — Or Do
Another element of the show that makes me feel a little ill is the fact that there is so much trauma, baggage, and dense history that viewers simply aren’t privy to. This means that anything that happens on the show isn’t contextualized. This feels yucky because then I make assumptions and judgments about the participants without any knowledge of their real truth(s).
With this being said, the show is surprisingly explicit about some aspects of the past. People share stories of childhood trauma and past abusive romantic relationships. Others are shown being triggered in real-time or struggle with mental illness or healthy communication skills. The way people hurt on this show is heartbreaking. The way that hurt is presented as some kind of necessary evil for the end goal of marriage is heartbreaking. And as the show progresses, hurt is piled on hurt in such complicated ways.
The “Trial” Marriages
Yikes, the trial marriages! Everything gets so convoluted here. The couples agree to take on new partners for a bit, but then they are horrified if their respective partner develops a connection with someone else. The show is edited in some ways to represent the trial partners as being a better fit than the original couples too, making the whole thing an even bigger mess. Because who can parse through it all? I feel stressed just watching, so I can’t even fathom how the participants feel.
This aspect of the show is over relatively quickly (in about 3 weeks) but you know the repercussions of this time will be coming up for these folks well into the future.
Love Is Enough?
I said earlier that perhaps these couples think love is enough. They think love should be enough to change their partner’s mind about their goals or values. Most of the time, it just isn’t. Of course, there is room for change and growth and compromise, but these ultimatum-issuers are pretty clear that they want to enter into the institution of marriage now. Why don’t they just accept their partners when they say they are unsure or not ready? That is a no answer to me.
The no answer does not necessarily mean you will stop loving this person, but maybe it means they can no longer be your partner.
I understand some of the other partner’s fear of marriage as well. The institution and history of it all is sexist and the commitment is freaky. I don’t think they should be made to look like the bad guys just because they don’t have this heteronormative goal. At the same time, I also believe LGBTQQIP2SA+ folks can challenge the heteronormative understanding of marriage by entering into marriages themselves.
Perhaps what bothers me most about the show is that I am unsure if true love is even present in all of the couples featured. I don’t mean true love in the heteronormative fantastical ideal of “a soul mate” but in the concrete definition of true love that scholars such as bell hooks write about. bell hooks says there are 7 components of love: care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and honest and open communication. Gorgeous! I am very lucky to have only known this type of romantic love. And this has attuned me to see when this definition of love might not be present.
Some couples on the show interact in ways that do not show many of these 7 ingredients. In fact, not only do they neglect many of the components, but they willingly show the opposite. The people I have watched these two seasons with are people I trust, people who are intelligent, and people who can laugh with me about the ridiculousness of the show. But, I worry about younger viewers being exposed to love-less interactions. It’s not that I don’t think young people are critical thinkers, but I fear that they don’t have the breadth of experience and depth of understanding connected to what makes a relationship loving.
In Summary
I love consuming content that features different personalities and moments of vulnerability. I am reminded of my favourite fictional tv shows like Normal People and The White Lotus. I suspend my disbelief while watching trashy reality tv so I can enjoy witnessing unique people and intimate scenes — all the while knowing that reality tv is not reality.
So what makes me feel ill about The Ultimatum? It’s the premise, the past and present hurts explored, the practice of the “trial” marriage, and the assumption that these couples will enter into this “challenge” and come out the other side unscathed, triumphant, in love more than ever, and gladly walk down the well-earned aisle into their happily ever after.
I’m just not convinced.
emily coppella 