I thought I might write this after I was “done” being confused. But I don’t think I’ve ever been truly absolved of all confusion. That’s not to say that I’ve never felt certain about specific things in my life. I’ve had many experiences complete with unwavering certainty and made many firm decisions I believe to have balanced with equal parts logic and emotion.
But nothing is separate from everything else (fortunately and unfortunately), and even the most affirming moments intersect with other parts of life that might feel unsettled or unsettling.
Drop the old “nothing is perfect” cliche: If you wait around until everything is “perfect” you will probably be waiting until you’re dead — which is not-so-perfect.
Yada, yada, yada — a cliche is the perfect thing to simultaneously comfort me and piss me off at the same time.
The word confusion is derived from the Latin word, confundo (we love a witchy spell-sounding word), which means “to confuse, mix, blend, pour together, disorder, [or] embroil”. I have been severely embroiled lately.
The type of panicked confusion that only the synonym “embroiled” can really encompass.
Background: I have a deep need to make sense of things, as I’m sure all of us do. With this being said, I am not an extremely logical person by nature. I see the logic (most times) but I am a sucker for emotions. Logic and emotion are like two devils on my shoulders — one is making an astute PowerPoint presentation and the other is crying into a Dairy Queen Blizzard.
I love them both.
So I make sense of things through connections. E.g.: How did that event lead to this? Why did that person do that despite this? How can I feel this way when I’ve done this? Etc. But some things truly do not make sense to me. That is because I am only me, I only have this single life, and I cannot fully fathom what goes on in others. I also think of horrific natural disasters, freak accidents, people being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and most specifically, the kinds of deaths I see on the news, usually involving children. I do not see the silver lining in these situations and am suspicious of folks who attempt to do so.
It is these types of things (typically the most painful things) that do not make sense to me. They just are. At its core, there is perhaps no story to be found there. We may make one up anyway. We connect the dots. Making the story does not negate the senselessness, but it may help us understand it in our own little way. I don’t know. These threads of thought still confuse me.
But I think there are other instances where confusion, senselessness, and uncertainty are not complete causes for despair.
I won’t even say confusion is necessary for growth, because that implies that there is a distinct before/after and that you must suffer through uncertainty in order to reap the rewards and come out the other side a more valuable person.
No.
I just simply decided to say:
Okay, confusion. Here I am.
Cue the embroilment.
So far, it’s been brutally beautiful.
I believe I have a duty to live carefully and minimize the hurt I inflict on others. But I know I have and will hurt people (we all will, regardless of our intentions). I regret things while knowing if I changed that thing, I might not have had all the other good things. But if my goal truly is to live a careful, loving life, I’ve got to recognize that self-trust is not built through making decisions that feel certain. It’s often built on shaky, confusing ground — and you just do it anyway.
So whether you’re in a stage of life that feels bewildering or you’re simply the type of person to always find the unresolved in the seemingly resolved, I hope you can move beyond shame.
Someone told me that the whole point of it all is to love and to pay attention. I believe everyone loves, and if you’re paying attention, you’ve already got this thing more figured out than you think.
We are literally just Earth made of Earth floating in a giant universe we know (relatively) nothing about. I think it’s safe to say that confusion undermines our very existence. But I also heard in a song, “The Universe is Weird” by Hank Green that the strangest thing is that with humans, “the universe created a tool with which to know itself.” Why? Who knows. But we pay attention anyway.
Confusion drives change, necessary anger, self-awareness, and more. Even my most blissful, life-affirming moments are punctuated with a bit of confusion or disbelief. You know, the internal dialogue of, “How can this be happening? Is this real? How am I so lucky? WHY?!”
So open the door to confusion (the real dark, breathtaking kind, not just the daydreamy kind) and be surprised by it.
Because what a blessing it is to be embroiled here on Earth.
emily coppella 